sh*t thoughts

ok, this is the day i blow up. i never really felt this way, but i dunno why and how i could felt like this. maybe i'm sick of everything i hide of. fuck ! FUCK FUCK ! i hate this stuff, i hate YOU, and hate all the shit that he did ! from all the things that he hide of, oh yeah? happy? SHIT ! am i too bad for you? yeayea whatever you say shit !

geez -.- this is the potensial break up things. am i have too? i dunno. it's too good too be crushed. i really feels stupid. something i can't get off of my head. let's think from the start :
"do you know how i feels? really feels about you"
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT I FEEL INSIDE.
YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY DOUBT
YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY FEAR

cause i'm so mad, i might tell this over. i keep going back over thing we both said and all the things that i missread. i said leave but all i really want is you ! and now i'm broke down crying wishin weren't this mess. after everything i must confess i need you. and i HATE THAT ! i don't even hearing your sound ! really this is fucking day ever !

madesu

astaga setelah beberapa waktu ak baru sadar kalo ak ini belom punya cita" yang pasti. dan itu bikin ak stress. mana mungkin megandalkan kata" : 'let it flow' itu sekarang jadi kata terkutuk buatku. iyalah ! let it flow jidat lo aja, yang bener deh ! ini masa depan bukan maen". ARGH menyebalkan.

oke, ak ud bikin list bakal jadi apa :

1. DOKTER
sebenernya sih ini cita" dari SD tapi niat itu terlupakan. why? so many reasons ! first of all, gara" kk kelas sialan yang sudah meracuni pikiranku dan sampe sekarang ak GA BISA melupakannya. oke ini kejadiannya :
ehem, ak masih polos (HAHA) ini jaman SD. kalo ga salah itu pas ak lagi semangat"nya pengen jadi dokter. trus dia bilang sama ak :
"ih kok bisa sih kamu pengen?"
"emang kenapa?" (jawabanku polos)
"iya kan itu bedah" mayat!"
dan ak TERDIAM, ak belom mikir sampe kesitu. abis itu naek ke jenjang SMP dan ak menemukan pelajaran biologi yang lebih mendalam, ternyata ak semakin takut. mikirin masa OSPEK kalo udah masuk Univ. mana ak orangnya takut lagi liat darah, haha, ak bisa pingsan cuman gara" liat orang luka dikit -.- dan akhirnya niatku jadi dokter hilang. belom lagi kuliahnya mesti lama bener, sanggupkah? sekarang aja ak jadi pengen berenti sekolah haha. ehm, ngga sih sebenernya. ak pengen sekolah tapi ga usah belajar haha harapan semu !
kesimpulannya sih ak jadi ngga niat nih bercita cita seorang dokter. karena ya itu tadi : ak takut darah bayanginnya serem, ak takut jalanin OSPEK, kuliahnya lama, belom lagi ak mesti mandiri hehe

2. NOTARIS
denger" dari kakek sih kerjaan ini banyak bagusnya tapi ak sama sekali ngga tertarik sama jurusan hukum. itu bukan sesuatu yang ak suka. ak liat buku kk spupuku aja ud klenger. tebeeel bener ! astaga, bisa putus urat ku kalo itu dibaca trus dihapalin semua. mana ak orangnya males banget hehe :p jadi ini rencana cadangan

3. NOVELIS (?)
ak suka nulis. i love writing. everything ! it could be a short story or poem. and i decide to do this everytime i have many times to relax. lewat nulis sesuatu ak bisa jadi ngga bm. ak bisa suka" numpahin perasaanku ya contohnya kayak sekarang. tapi ini kan ngga menjamin masa depanku ! huh :'( ak mikir dong ke depannya gimana. iya kalo laku, kalo kayak J.K. Rowling mah gpp hehe.

sampe sekarang itu aja yang baru terpikir. jadi apa coba? apa yang bisa menjamin masa depanku? yah, ini ngga begitu urgent sih soalnya kan ak cwe. kalo dapet suami tajir, ganteng, dan baik hati (haha ngayal) gpp malah bagus ! semoga dapet kalo ak gede. AMIN AMIN haha

teenage drama !

a rotation if life. life is never flat. so do mine :D

sometimes in the rite moment, i feel so excited but then i feel guilty. but i believe in God, in Allah that Allah would protect me always :)

in this moment, i have many feelings that i want to share them. maybe, someone that i can comfort to talk with. the question is : who's that someone? hmmm :'(

for someone out there that i hurt, i'm sorry. i did not mean to, but you know that i am annoying (yes i confess it rite now!) really. i wana have a good relationship constant. and i don't lie. after everything we've been through i really don't want to leave you rite now. maybe i'm an egomania, yes i do ! i never felt like this before (it's a clise) :p

i have everything i need in my live rite now. i don't want to make any stupid mistakes, ever ! i'm done with lying myself with someone i care ! i will care, i will try hard to protect someone i care of ! i do. i promise

just another my bored story

B to the O to the R to the E to the D. yeep lagi" kata bored, mo belajar? maleeees -.- aduh mana ak juga belom ulangan susulan metik lagi. nyebelin banget. let's make the list, ulangan apa aja yang bakal ak hadapin :

- metik (urggggh!)
- geografi (pelajaran ini menjadi tidak menyenangkan sejak ada hitungannya)
- fisika (astaga, ak belom bener" memahami bab ini!)
- kimia (ckckck, pa diman ini nambahin beban pikiran aja!)

nyebeeeeeeliiin -.- ada lagi satu orang yang pengen kuinjek. uurgh males banget ak liat mukanya, pengen kucincang. huh, sok imut bener tuh orang. trus lagi" sebel sama TIIIT. nyebelin bener sih dy juga, bikin bm aja kerjaanya ! huh. BORED, ANNOYING, SUCKS.

ga ada apa ya sesuatu yang bisa buat ak seneng nih? huhhh jangan" ak bm ini faktor pms, tapi masa sih? grrrrh -.- sebel ah.

super duper lyric PART II

okeee lanjut. sekarang bahas lagu laen yang punya lirik bagus n ak suka lagi ! hehehe :)

1. One Less Lonely Girl - Justin Bieber
- "saw so many pretty faces before i saw you, now all i see is you"
oooo ngena bener nih lirik. i love this ! haha. so sweeeeet :) intinya kan semua cwe suka digombalin. finally the questin : 'why guys are expert on flirting' was answered. the answer is 'because chicks love to be the object of flirt' haha. selama flirting nya ga terlalu ekstrim n itu terkesan sweet menurutku sih sah aja.

- "don't need these other pretty faces like i need you"
lagi" so sweeeet hehe. yaaah even it's sounds so gross. but i really like this quite enough

2. He Could Be The One - Miley Cyrus
- "he's got everything that a girls wantin"
sometimes we couldn't see the bad side of someone if we have an affair with them. rite?

- "guitar cutie, he plays it groovy"
haha, it has a specific story about why i do like this lyric. and i don't wanna write down about my feelings here. nobody should know, except me and God :)

- "i can't keep myself from doing someting stupid"
yuuuup, it's true. kadang ak suka bertindak bodoh kalo (eheeem jadi nostalgia) lagi ketemu si jerk ** ato nggak si **** hahaha. kayaknya semua cwe kayak gini deh. i bet ! every girl have to be nervous when they get closed with their 'boys-magnet'.

- "think i really fallin for his smile"
:) no need to mention about why i do love this lyric

- "he's got something special, something tellin me maybe he could be the one"
wooooooow, pastinya ini lirik yang paling ak suka diantara yang laen. -.- why? because i really hope that he could be the one :D

- "everywhere i go, he always in my mind and i'm going crazy about him lately"
:) :)

- "he's got a way of making me feel like everything i do is prefectly fine, and i'm so into him!"
yep. i do feel that way. i could be honest for what i feel or what i do to him haha

various love conversation :p

g (girl)
b (boy)

- sweet !

g : hey, why do you like me? i''m not very pretty. i'm not that talented. and i'm not a really famous girl. you must be a fool for falling over me"
b : i like you just the way you are. you might think that i'm a fool for falling over you, and then tell me what can i do to prove you that it's not so hard to do? cause you know that i'm on your side"

- old memories
b : i'm sorry, i just can't. it's been a long time when we're fall in love together. i have another girl to fulfill my dream, and make my day brighter"
g : it's okay. you may have chemistry with her, but you have history with me"

super duper lyric PART I

recently, i have found many lyrics that i liked, so i start to share about it :p

1. The Other Side Of The Door - Taylor Swift
- "i said this time i had enough and you've called times but i'm not pickin up. cause i'm so mad i might tell you that is over"
explanation :
oke kalo ak yang ada dalam posisi orang itu, telpon beribu kali dari orang yang annoying pasti juga ga bakalan ak angkat. biar sampe nangis darah dy, apalagi kalo ak masih marah. emosiku masih turun-naik, weh mending diemin aja deh. daripada ak 'blowin up'. kadang malah orang yang ga salah apa" kusemprot juga =p

- "i said leave but baby all i want is you, to stand outside my windows throwing pebbles, screaming i'm in love with you"
explanation :
nah kalo ini sih ak setuju banget ! hahahaha. sebenernya sebel banget sampe bilang ga tahan (kalo marahan), tapi ujung"nya sayang juga kalo dilepasin tapi ga mau ngmong karena GENGSI. haha :D tapi ngga sampe lempar batu lah (throwing pebbles). serem betul tuh cwo kalo kayak gitu, freak, parno, psikopat. trus ntar kaca jendela kamarku pecah, belom lagi ortu ngomel haha. kalo ada cwo yang beginian nih bahaya, bukannya sweet. tapi ya itu tadi, pas lagi kesel pengen jauh tapi sebenernya dalam hati ga mau, tapi ga mau ngaku juga soalnya jaim haha.

- "me and my stupid pride sitting here alone, going through the photographs. starring at the phone. i keep going back over, things we both said."
ehm, ini hal yang sering kulakukan if we're in fight. tapi ga sampe ngeliatin fotonya, haha itu mah JIBANG. palingan ak cuma ngeliatin hape aja. nunggu dia sms, kalo ngga ya udah. ak juga ngga mau ngalah (kalo ak ngrasa ga salah) haha.

- "baby you know everything, tell me why you couldn't see? that when i left i want you to chase after me"
pastinya. no need to explain more clearly. every single girl would feel this way

- "i don't need you but i do, i do, i do"
di mulut doang bilang ga butuh, aslinya butuh ! hehe :)

- "with your face and your beautiful eyes, and the conversation with the little white lies and the faded picture of beautiful night. and i'm broke down cryin, wishin we'rent this mess. after everything i must confess i need you"
sebenernya ga ada yang isitimewa dari lirik ini, tapi ak suka aja denger nadanya di lagunya. trus bagus gitu deh artinya

2. How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees
- "it's me you need to show how deep is your love"
yaiyalah, setuju. kalo ngga ditunjukin kayak mana mau tau? hehe

- "i believe in you. you're my saviour when i'm fall"
yes, i do believe. kok bisa jadi saviour? yap, soalnya kalo ak bete pasti numpahin kebetanku sama dy hehe maaf ya :*

- "and you may not think i care for you, but you down inside that i really do"
ini lirik yang paling ak suka di lagu ini ! soalnya ini bisa dibilang, aku banget. why? yep, ak bukan tipe orang yang nunjukin ke orang kalo ak peduli sama orang itu. sebenernya sih ak peduli banget, tapi karena ak orangnya cuek jadi ya begitulah.

3. Please Forgive Me - Bryan Adams
- "please forgive me i know not wanna do. please forgive me i can't stop loving you"
explaination :
ehm, this is real. i have made mistakes then i feel guilty. i don't wanna crush a relationship because of my false. so, this lyric is so touchy. i agreed with this statement :D

- "i remember everything. i remember you. i remember the night ya know i still do"
explaination :
yeah, sweet memories were hard to forgotten.

4. I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder - Goo Goo Dolls
- "the strands in you eyes, the color them wonderful stop me then stealing my breath"
explanation :
i just like this lyric, even it's gross haha. hey, but this is a poem, so nothing's wrong with flirting and admire someone

- "i'll be your crying shoulder, i'll be the greatest fans of your life"
explanation :
yap, it's good to have someone who always listen of your sadness, and we all need a shoulder to cry on. but, about the greatest fans of your life, hmmm.. i dunno

*PS : actually i like all this song's lyric :D

5. Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse
- "it kills me that i hurt you this way, the worst part is don't even know"
ini betul banget ! ak kan biasanya ngga sadar ak sudah bikin salah dan akhirnya nyakitin orang. ak ngga peka soalnya !

- "now there's a million reasons for you to go, but if you can find a reason to stay"
ada beribu alasan kenapa kamu harus pergi, tapi kalo kamu bisa nemuin satu aja alasan untuk tetap tinggal. whew -.- ngena nih ! keren banget, ak suka :)

- "i'll do whatever it takes to turn this around. i know that i've let you down. and if you give me a chance, believe it i can change. i'll keep us together, whatever it takes"
intinya sih buat minta kesempatan kedua untuk BERUBAH. yes, ak suka ini haha.

- "don't hide the broken part that i need to see. like it or not it's the way it's gotta be"
don't keep something hiding in you for a very long time, just spoke what you feel. that's better. i'd rather be honest..

- "you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"
wuih pedenya ya? haha, tapi ak suka nih. bener aja kok. kita kan selalu berusaha buat yang terbaik buat orang" di sekitar kita. dan pasti orang itu bahagia jadi dirinya kalo ada orang yang sayang sama dia.

- "remember the time i tell you the way that i felt?"
nothing special but i love this part

aku bakal ngelanjutin ini lagi. sebenernya banyak banget lirik yang ak suka tapi berhubung ak ngantuk jadi sampe disini dulu :)

IKAN baru :D

hey, hey, hey, i'm happy today. ak dapet ikan baru ! seneng :D :D :D sebenernya udah lama ak minta beliin IKAN tapi lama banget eh ngga dibeli beliin sama ortu, tapi akhirnya setelah meraung raung di rumah (oke itu childish) dibeliin juga. YEY.

ngga tanggung" dibeliin sekalian 4, tapi 1 sudah mati, yang lucu lagi, ohh damn ! :'( ak sempet shock gara" dy mangap" terus, ak sudah curiga sih 'ni ikan kenapa, kok kayaknya aneh? abnormal betul, biasanya kan girang berenang kesana kemari tapi ini kok malah mangap ke permukaan sih?' dan akhirnya kecurigaanku terbukti. pas jam 7, hiks, dy mati. udah ga gerak, si adeku yang bawel teriak di ruang keluarga kalo dy mati. huh...

tapi masih ada 3 ikan haha. jadi ak survive, ga begitu sedih. yang kuharapkan dari ikanku itu sih dy bakal kecil, ga bakal gede alias segitu gitu aja biar lucu. yang penting mereka semua tambah gemuk ak mah seneng banget, soalnya ak suka mencet" ikan. jadi ingat tragedi di 9 AL 1, kan rahma punya gantungan hape ikan, dalemnya air trus gendut. saking sadisnya ak mencet" terus ikanya meledak dan jadi jelek, gepeng gitu. hehe. maaf ya rahma :( tapi itu tuh gemesin, jadi kupencetin terus sampe rusak. hehe

btw, soal ikan jadi ingat TIIIT hahahahahaha. bodohnya -.- kalo kuingat ingat kejadian itu semakin menyebalkan, dan betapa bodohnya nah ak. ckckck. sudah" ngga usah dibahas. ngakak terus nanti ak kalo inget.

ak nulis blog ini cuman pengen sharing ak senang ud dapet ikan baru. yeyeyeyeye :D
I LOVE FUGU :D haha

s*** thoughts !

s*** this time i was really doubt ! this is all happening because that JHS girl ! URGH :( -.- sigh. more than words to describe what i'm feeling right now, okay, it's sucks, annoying, something i can't walked away for a long time ago. this is more than anything that i spoken. I must have been wrong with you and i'm fallen

i feel no regret to erased everything about - but, now? s*** REALLY. i hate - but i hate myself more because i still remember everything that - made in my life ! jerk ! why do i always trap in the same situation and dunno how to survive from that one?! the only person i can share about this problem is LAILI, thanks lai :D you really help me to get out from this s*** things ! and you are the only one that can understand what i am going through (maybe icha could get it too, thnks bby). i feel guilty. yes I DO. I AM JERK, and i realize it. some people always trap in old memories, so do i. rite now, but i hope tomorrow i'll never think about this anymore, NEVER EVER.

remember the time, when :
1. i spend my time in mall
2. - c**** me ! :'(
3. - always trying to make me smile
4. about - ridiculous stuff

-.- if i know, the ending of the story was like this, i'll choose to never meet - just for throw away the pain - caused of. i can't back down, i've been losing so much time ! all the things that i want to say just don't coming out right. i'm trapping in the words, - got my head spinning i don't know where to go from here. there's something about - now i can't quite figure out.

i really care about you my bf , i really do :* hope it would never changed anything between us

listen to your heart

well, as you can guess this time the title is listen to your heart. actually it's a title of a song. yeah, recently i am listening this music. and last night was the fit time to hear this song. after two months yesterday was my big mistake. really, i do. actually, i'm the person who have to apologize in the first place. but i'm too heartless to do that. (i'm sorry but it's true, yesterday you was really annoying!). well i'm sorry that i hurt you. i'm trying to care about you as much as i want to, but this is me. i'm kinda careless, so i hope YOU will understand.

geez, wait. i'm wrong? should i have done better than this? i'm just a bit confused. you've been acting like you've been abused by me lately, what's going on? all i do is treat you with respect, all the best and never nothing less. but you continue to mad, and i just don't know why ! what did I do to your heart? did I break, apart? all I ever get is attitude, constant never-ending bad mood from you. what's going on?! all I need is just an answer please so i can show you what you mean to me..

you say, don't. and i will do as you wish. but, think about yourself. don't you make a mistakes too? don't look at me, like i'm the one that always treat you bad. i'm guilty, yes, but you don't even try to make me change. sigh-.- it's a bad bad bad idea, i have last night ! i'm sorry. but that thought always followed me since we have bad mood. anyway, that's the only way i can think about. let me down so, for thousand reasons that i know to shared forever the unrest. maybe you were right, i was guilty. i don't wanna fight, i'm tired of being sorry. i've got to good to you.

would you believe me if i said i have try? i try to see how low i can get down to the ground. i try to earn my way. i try to change this mind. you better believe that i'm trying to do this. every single change need time, the problem is i don't know how long i can change. so be patient and wait for it, it's a miracle if you asked me :D LOL cause it's hard to make me care. my point is, you have to patinet for me. it's not like, i don't care about you, i care ! really, I DO. but sometimes i just get my own way and ignore you, it's me. and i have changed even it's hard. just for you. wait. i know waiting is sucks but it's the only way. i'd rather stay away, than have to hurt you like yesterday. i'm SORRY and THANKS for everything.

-.-

pagi" sudah bete aja bwaan x. tadi malem ak bambung, bingung mo ngapaen sampe ngaco omonganku, trus suasana hati juga ngga mendukung ! finally i'm here, in a bad mood. i don't lie :D

everybody need their own time for grow their mood. and that's happen to me. i starting to realize that i will lost my BF if i still did this. i just don't know why i can't be honest. and it's sucks. i do want to tell him, but looked what i did?! i just crushed it all with many different arguments. since the last time i checked, i'm done with anybody in my past. but now, why they showed up again? all last year i was trying so hard to be the right girl for **, but i'm not. this isn't work at all. but then, i agreed that it's not my decision to make, i don't even try. i'm too scared too spoiled those day, and sometimes remember all of those memories behind.

i don't wanna put this down, so i will try with my best to do anything. once more, why i feel always in doubt? i always feel that way. and i just can't be honest that i can't 100% believe in him. it's not like he's cheating or something, but... i don't know. it's just doesn't seems right. in one side, i don't wanna hurt him with my past and all of my stuff that i have keep for years. but in one side, if i decide to tell the truth and being honest, would i be strong? i just can't stand if he tell the truth about 'them'. NOPE.

FYI, i do wanna know, but i can't stand if the answers are hurting me. sigh -.- it's kinda creepy, you know. and what could have i do? i'll always thinking about it. well, it's too much. i don't care about ** anymore, all i care is him. hmm...

there's nothing i can think about, except how can i stop lying myself and tell the truth about all this stuff? i just can't. it's killing me inside, LOL, kidding. i'm not that typical girl. anyway, i feel happy right now. what i should wish for?

yesterday was a history, today is a gift, and tomorrow is a mystery

ak suka banget sama quotes itu. jadi x ya iseng" aja nulis blog yang judul x itu. sekarang ak lagi bete. pengen belajar tapi males, trus ak bingung mo ngapaen, jadilah ak ber-autis ria doang di blog ini haha.

start from the last topic, i guess i'm right ! i could get over him, and for anybody that said i haven't have to shut up their mouth ! they don't know anything about me and my feelings, so stop being bossy. sorry guys, but FYI i don't like being the one who always you doubt of ! i'm done with it. as long as i can stand with my BF, i'll be faithful. i promise :D

every single day that i left, i always thingking about why i decide to have a relationship with someone. well, the main reason is i hate of being alone. and then again, just, i want someone to care about me. but i started to realize, this isn't a fairytale. there's a time when i have to being alone and left anything behind me (including my BF right now). -.-

:( i'm tired. i'll continue this blog when i'm ready to share again.

old memories

hari ini, ngga tau kenapa, ak kepikiran C*. asem, kok bisa"nya sih? yakin lho ak sudah ilfeel sama dy ! tapi kok dy nongol" terus sih? nyebelin banget. siaul", malas banget ak liat mukanya lagi. kalo diinget inget kejadian ak sama dy ga penting betul e. tapi kok ak bisa suka ya sama dy? lama lho ! yeah right (-.- sigh). kalo ak pikir" duluuu banget it ak oon banget kok bisa seneng banget ya? sampe suka lagu x demi lovato yang get back (hey, the truth is this song just for HIM, and it's annoying !). dan SEKARANG ak baru aja sadar kalo ak clbk sama tuh lagu, ini LAGU x bukan orang yang sempat terinspirasi oleh LAGU itu ! NOOOOOPE. in the night, i hope that he would call me,HUAAAA :( kalo ak curhat soal C* pasti sama immas, laili, n riska yang paling sreg. gtw kenapa tapi ak seneng banget deh dulu, BANGET. god, i felt dumb right now ! all i wanna do is throw away one part of him in my brain and never ever want to rembeber it anymore. cause too much pain, isn't it? too long i have wait, and don't say that he's sorry for breaking every inch of my heart (hahaha, jijay). ngga kok, itu lebay. oke?
tapi kata icha pas ak cerita soal ini semua, dy bilang :
"hey bby, i know you just can't get over him yet"
kata laili :
"it's a lie that you have forgotten about him clearly"
kata immas :
"save your heart just for your BF right now, i know it's hurt. but it'd be more great if you just forget about him. believe there's a way you could get over him."
and actually, i really think that immas had a better idea about all this stuff. i can get over him, NOW ! i really do. really really do ! but some people just said i haven't. FYI, guys ! i don't like the way you treat me that way. i keep my promise, not to look back at my past. even just for seeing his face make me sick, i do.

aduh sambil nulis ini ak sambil dengerin lagu please forgive me-nya bryan adams. jadi ada efek" gitu, haha ok itu lebay. :) whatever, ak lagi butuh hiburan nih. mana mid smester ak males banget deh belajar. besok bahasa sama ekonomi, trus kamis pkn sama bio, ih apa ngga botak ak ngapalin pelajaran segitu banyak?! hiks :(

oia, ak ngapus satu post ku. soalnya ada beberapa hal yang ak ngga suka kalo sampe dibaca orang. huh, about C* pokoknya ak masih teguh pendirian kalo ak ud get over him ! since i'm ehem*. i'll be faithfull, hope so :D